Do NOT read

A million If's....


I lay awake...shedding tears...
quietly...while doubt fogs my room...
fear fills my mind....
and I'm blinded...
and I begin to think...
of my million If's..
I sometimes wonder...
what would I be...
if stuff hadn't happened to me....
maybe I would be in a better place...
would carry a different life....
would have a different concept of living....
I believe childhood is like breakfast.....
the most important part of life....
it either brakes you...
or
fixes....
me...... I have to say....
broke me....
If my mother hadn't married my step father...
maybe she would've met someone better....
If my mother would've listen to me....
maybe I'd be less dense....
If my mother hadn't forced me to forgive what he did...
maybe I'd be more gullible....
If I hadn't spoken....if I hadn't said anything...
If I had just bottled everything up...
maybe she'd be with him still...
but she'd be happy....
I just realized I havent changed...
I'm just getting old....
dreaming dreams... that shater at my feet...
I dont know what to believe now...
If I hadn't moved here....how would I be???
If I werent what I am... what would I be???
would I be happier???
would I be worst???
would I be me???
maybe I'd be like everyone alse...
maybe I wouldn't care about the future
soo much... and live the now....
maybe at night I'd cry over a boy...
not over my dead end of a future...
maybe I'd be prettier...
maybe I'd be less frightned of what lays ahead of me...
I had spent my whole life alone... I'm the oldest..
I'm expected to lead ...
when I was only tought to follow...
I'm expected to know...
when everything looks hollow...
I'm expected to grow up...
when I was never a kid....
If they only new...
If I only new...
maybe I wouldn't be living this way...
what concerns me is not now...today
is just the past... shadowing tomorrow...
It's my future...
I lay awake... shedding
tears...quietly...while
doubt fogs my room...
fear fills my mind...
and I'm blinded....
and I begin to think of my million If's
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